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NOTE:  In case you’re unaware of how this works, the tweet reviews start at the bottom and work you way up.

So here it is, Patrick and myself live tweeting Sex and the City 2.  It was BAD.

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Upcoming Madness

Not Pictured: the other competitors in this year's Preakness

Although not exactly a movie on the list, my fellow blogger ppcell (on Twitter @ppcell, blogging on can i haz discourse?) had the ingenious idea to simultaneously watch the currently-tracking 15% and 3.9 on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDb, respectively, Sex and the City 2 and live blog it together.  This is a tremendous idea and one I absolutely could not have come up with on my own.  The mash-up of blogs/movie hatred will go down some time within the week so be on the lookout for it!

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

Dir: Bob Clark
Stars: Jon Voight, Scott Baio, Vanessa Angel

I’ll give Superbabies this much: it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. Of course, it was really, really bad, but not as bad as I had expected.

Currently sitting as the second worst rated movie on IMDb’s list (but when I started it was number 1), and being one of the only movies to ever receive a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, I didn’t have any high expectations.

The plot, because I think there was a plot in there somewhere, is that back in the 60’s, a toddler/ten year-old who goes by ‘Kahuna’ drank some special serum that his scientist dad made that caused him to have super energy, but also to never age. He then makes it his life goal to help babies in need and angers the evil ‘Cane/Biscane’ in the meantime (played by Jon Voight, who employs a ridiculous German-ish accent throughout).

Dude has an Oscar by the way.

But in the present day a day-care center run by Scot Baio (Charles from Charles in Charge, for those of you who are 80’s TV buffs) and his wife hold this group of babies who have heard the legend of Kahuna and who eventually meet up with him after Biscane chases down Scott Baio’s niece, Kaylie, who takes four of the babies out in an absurd 4-seat stroller.

And that’s all the exposition I’m going into. Now to the fun part, which is, of course, me abusing this disaster of a movie.

Well, the babies are extremely intelligent, but can only speak to each other and not out loud which I find strange because they can read complex English words and properly operate a computer. These are just the regular babies too, not the crazy one from the 60s either. They also have an apparently vast knowledge of world history as well because they are all familiar with the Cold War as well as “you know, the Berlin Wall and all that stuff.”

That poor Kaylie girl is given the worst lines, has to cater to the babies the whole movie and THEN is given a subplot based strictly around her inability to get a date. That is, until Zack asks her to a picnic under the Hollywood sign and the babies just magically produce a dress for her to wear.

Oh yeah, the entrance to Kahuna’s lair is through an elevator in the ‘H’ in the Hollywood sign – you know, in case any of you are ever up there.

OH! And his lair! I’m sure no one said anything because who really cares about this movie, but whoever the set designer was on this movie apparently just mailed the whole thing in and completely stole the idea for Kahuna’s lair from the entrance to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.  Everything from the boat and stream, to things floating in the stream and even the rocky walls; tell me, he didn’t.

Kahunas lair.

Willy Wonka's Factory

As expected, the writing and dialogue delivery makes daytime soaps look like Gone With the Wind, but no one would think anything to the contrary so we’ll move over that and move to my favorite part of the movie. Which part is that you ask? Well obviously the part where Kahuna goes to his command station to talk to his best friends Whoopi and O-Town.  See, Kahuna just has all the big connections.

  
I don’t know, predictable ending, bad acting blah blah blah. But as a bad movie, it was one that had me laughing. Terrible jokes and puns throughout, bad acting, babies wire-fighting (which is, for those who don’t know, something employed by movies like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon to achieve impossible acts during fight scenes) and Scott Baio.

You also may have noticed that I didn’t really talk about the babies all that much.  Well, that’s because they really are not an essential part of the movie.  Yes, they’re there, but sort of in the background.  It’s very weird that it’s how the movie played out, being about things other than the title, but whatever, that’s why it’s on this list I suppose.

So overall, meh, it made me laugh but I’m not advising any of you to run out and get it any time soon.  Pretty solid bad movie that is much more enjoyable to watch than some of the other junk I’ve sat through for this. Oh, and look at this commitment. I actually used a space on my queue for this movie, possibly the first time that has ever happened in the history of Netflix.

Critique: 1 star out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

Notes:

  • Movies like this make it hard to remember, but Jon Voight has an Oscar for Coming Home and was in the amazing Midnight Cowboy.
  • This was director Bob Clark’s last movie before he died.  As this was one of his lesser films, he should instead be remembered for the teen-classic Porky’s, the cult-horror favorite Black Christmas as well as the TNT-favorite A Christmas Story.
  • Justin Chatwin, who plays Zack in this movie, looked really familiar when he first came on-screen.  So after a quick IMDb search I realized that he played ‘Eddie,’ a cop in one of Locke’s flashbacks in the third season of LOST.  I’m currently re-watching that entire series and finished the third season about a week before watching this movie.
  • When I started this project, this movie was #1 on IMDb’s list, but it has now been overtaken by some Hungarian movie called Dream Well.  This presents an interesting conundrum that I hadn’t thought about before, in that if the list isn’t a concrete list do I stick to my original numbers or update them very time the list changes?  Any advice?



In a preemptive move on my part, today we have the news that Keeanu Reeves seems to not be completely messing with us with this news of a third Bill and Ted movie happening.

While promoting his newest movie, Henry’s Crime, Reeves let slip to MTV News that he thinks the apparent writers of the apparent movie are “six weeks away from a draft.” Then in typical Reeves fashion, he continued on by not really saying much of anything at all.

“I know a little bit. But I don’t know — the fellas went off and cooked it up,” he teased [Those fellas, always teasing –Ed.]. “I don’t know what happened when they put the elements together.” [via MTV News]

So there you have it, we may be six weeks away from a draft of a sequel to sequel neither of which were all that good – the second being atrocious, actually. But this really begs the question: who is asking for this?  Is there some devoted 30-something fanbase of the Bill and Ted movies out there that I am not aware of?  It’s not like Reeves needs the money, and Alex Winter… Okay, Alex Winter may need the money, but still.

I suppose I’ll keep you updated as this story progresses, but until then I set my interest level in this one to *dismissive wank*

No. 10: Pledge This!

Pledge This! (2006)

Dir: William Heins, Strathford Hamilton
Stars: Paris Hilton, Paula Garces, Sarah Carter

Again, another Paris Hilton movie.  I’m actually learning that she has quite a few movies on this list and not just the two I originally thought.  Awesome, I know.

But this one centers around the Gamma Gamma sorority at South Beach University, and their quest to be named the “Hottest Sorority in the Country” by FHM Magazine.  You know, because that’s a thing.

Anyway, Hilton plays Victoria English, whom we are told is not only the “hottest” girl in this sorority, but at the school as well.  This creates a problem for us as viewers because it starts a 90-minute war of the senses.  Our ears constantly are being told how “hot” Victoria is, but our eyes keep reminding us otherwise – just keep some Advil by your side.  Or whiskey.  Maybe whiskey.

But there’s a side story that is kind of really what the movie is about, centering around a group of “misfit” girls, led by Paula Garcés (Maria from the Harold and Kumar movies), who are forced to find housing and decide the best way to do that is by joining a sorority.  The “misfit” group is rounded out by just about every stereotype you could imagine being in a crappy college movie, including but not limited to a foreign exchange student, a fat girl and the token black person in the entire movie.

Also in the aforementioned group is Kerri Kenney, who has gained fame by way of being Officer Trudy on Reno 911, but was also a part of the wonderful The State.  She is the first actor you’ll see and say, ‘I know that person from somewhere,’ but it won’t end there.  Also appearing is Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3/The other rapper on Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” song), Geoffrey Arend (The “the snozberries taste like snozberries” kid from Super Troopers/Christina Hendrick’s husband), Taylor Negron (who has 121 acting credits according to IMDb, but was more notably in No. __ Surf School) and even the actually talented Sofia Vergara.

Apparently, Ms. Vergara was as excited to be in that scene as I was to watch it.

But as expected, terribleness fills every moment of the movie, everywhere from an opening sequence that looks like something SNL would have done as a joke in 1993 to voiceovers that are actually baffling considering how bad they are.  It was actually so bad that I’m going as far as to call out the sound editor Nicholas Benninson.  They were read in terrible monotone Paris Hilton voices and were used as voiceovers, like, 90% of the time, but then randomly will be actual spoken dialogue.

The “comedy” is an abomination with lines like “A time honored college tradition is ignoring the three-way in the bathroom stall behind you.”  There’s also an extensive scene centered around poop jokes and then actual poop, a guy makes an actual molestation joke, Paris Hilton’s pet name for her boyfriend is “baby dick,” and I could keep going but I don’t want to.

Oh one more thing.  They said the word “coochie” twice – that has to be some kind of record.

Looks like no one taught them how to white balance...

Simply put, it looks like they tried really hard to make a cool college movie and failed in every way, but then again, Paris Hilton will do that for you.  It’s everything that’s bad about bad movies, but not in the good way.

Now I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a way to end this and I couldn’t think of anything.  So I’ll end the review the same way they ended the movie: with a pie fight.  I swear to God…


Critique:
0 stars out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 0 stars out of 5

Notes:

  • They actually refilmed a bunch of scenes to add more nudity, something that angered Hilton immensely, even though I’m 100% positive that more people have seen the video of her actually blowing a guy than have seen this movie.
  • A bunch of user reviews on Netflix indicated that this was actually close to softcore porn because of the amount of nudity.  By my count, there were 15 people who got naked at least once.
  • Seriously, Geoffrey Arend is married to Christina Hendricks.
  • Now that I have this and The Hillz out of the way, I only have Nine Lives, Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and the Nottie left and I’ll have all the Paris Hilton Bottom 100 movies watched.  Yayyy…

Some of the, um, lesser pieces of my collection. And yes, I bought the 4th season of The OC

So I guess it’s just an amateur movie buff thing because apparently it’s  hard to see why I have a good time watching these bad movies.

It seems like no matter whom I tell about my little project – everyone from you classmates to my friends – people have questions.

“So you’re doing this for a class?”

Well, yes, but I’ve always watched bad movies.  There’s just a list now.

“So you… like it?  Watching bad movies on purpose?”

Hell yes.

I guess my personal obsession started by way of Roger Ebert, and his book “Your Movie Sucks.”  The Amazon synopsis states that the book reviews “not only movies that were at the bottom of the barrel, but also movies that he found underneath the barrel.”  I got the book as a present a few Christmases back and have kind of been enthralled since then. (That being said, Ebert is the biggest movie critic in the world, and does not review the movies I do.  He does, however, keep the wonderful “Your Movie Sucks file” at the Sun-Times’ website which is worth checking out)

There’s something to watching a bad movie.  It’s not the enjoyment you get from watching the movie in the same way you would by watching something like Casablanca (my all-time favorite), but rather it’s in the experience of seeing the bad movie unfold; it’s like the old adage about not being able to look away from a trainwreck, you can’t look away.

So I made a venture to start seeing movies like ‘The Room’ and other cult favorites of the sort.  But then a great thing happened:  I realized I was far from the only one who does this.  Aside from Ebert, there are massive followings for these kinds of movies, and the people who seek them out love doing it.

Some of the fervor for this may have started around a show called  Mystery Science Theatre 3000, a TV show that ran for the better part of the 90s.  The show prominently features a man and his robot companions watching old B-movies and making fun of them, much the way you would if you were watching at home (Much of the show is also available at Netflix Instant if you’re into that kind of thing).


But it hardly stops there.  The rather famous Onion AV Club has a running series called ‘I Watched This On Purpose,’ which is basically a better-written version of my site, only they don’t stick to old movies. There is also the wonderful database over at Badmovies.org, which is well worth a browse or two.

As I frequently mention, FilmDrunk’s Vince Mancini loves talking about bad movies, and has prompted me to wonder when I’ll finally be able to see Birdemic, as well as be the basis for this site.

I guess the point of all this was to basically say that: it’s just fun.  There are a ton of bad movies out there to see, and there’s a bunch of people who see them too.  It’s fun to watch a super bad movie and make fun of it with people.  Whether those people are your friends in the same room, some internet message board, or a badly-written blog, it’s not just about watching – it’s about the experience.

BONUS: The amazing Patton Oswalt and his infamous rant about one of his favorite bad movies “Death Bed.” I guess it should be noted that it has very NSFW language.

No. 18: The Hillz

The Hillz (2004)

Dir: Sharan Barnun
Stars: Jesse Woodrow, Rene Heger, Paris Hilton


This movie is called The Hillz. As in they spelled the word ‘hills’ with a ‘z.’

This movie’s biggest – and only – bankable star is Paris Hilton.   Paris.  Hilton.

Gahhhhhhh let’s just get this over with.   The sooner I forget about this movie the better.

The movie centers around Steve 5 (Jesse Woodrow) who insists “That’s my name, don’t ask,” and believe me, we don’t.  Steve grows up in the LA hills with his friends T, Seb and Duff, while lusting after his dream girl Heather (Hilton).  He’s a promising athlete, but his male friends are bourgeoning drug addicts and wannaba gangsters, so he thinks he’s safe as soon as he gets to college.

But after Steve returns home after his first year and finds his friends in disarray with Seb gone “legitimate” working at a pizza place, and T basically working for Duff’s drug business.  See, after the group kills a police officer they decide they’re hard now and have gone into a high-priced drug ring.

And can I be done?  It really doesn’t matter at all what happens because of how awful this was.  Just no point, no aim and no ambition.  Battlefield Earth had at least some ambition. Just going through there are far too many stupid little things to point out so I’ll just choose my favorites and go from there.

First, let’s revisit Paris Hilton’s involvement.  We realize she’s not an actor, right?  I mean, I certainly do now, but even before seeing this, I knew she couldn’t act.  Were the producers so desperate to get financing that they needed her?  Her dead little beady eyes kinda-sorta staring at me whenever she was on screen, he terribly boring monotone delivery making me suffer through every line; never again will I do this to myself.

But what’s this?  She’s also the star of No. 10 on the list, Pledge This!? Fantastic.

Then let’s head to the part where these kids think they’re gangsters.  This was a big point of confusion for me because, well, I couldn’t tell if it was satire or not.  Some websites have the movie listed as a drama, yet Netflix labeled it as a comedy (it was neither) so I can’t really make anything of it.

The “gang” was ridiculed within the movie for being overly-hard, while not really being tough and living in the nice part of LA, while the whole time I was laughing because these guys were trying to be hard while living in the nice part of LA.  Their constant uses of bitch, motherfucker and more racial slurs than I care to mention, did nothing for the movie and just made everything worse.

The acting was beyond atrocious for everyone involved.  They couldn’t be bothered to use proper lighting so all shots from scenes in the night are unbelievably grainy, and, oh yea, they uses ridiculous wipe transitions.  For those of you who don’t know, “wiping” is instead of just editing the next scene together you use some sort of effect — think the transitioning of scenes in Star Wars.  Except here they use stars and hearts to wipe.  That’s a true story.

Then there were the drugs.  I think we can all agree that selling massive amounts of cocaine out of your house is a terrible idea, yet this is what catapults these characters to wealth.  Then Steve 5 comes home and we see inside their house where a rag-tag group of junkies and wanna-be dealers hang around and play video games while drinking and getting high in a smoke-filled room while calling each other ‘bitches’ and ‘f-ggots.’  All in all, it’s boring and terribly placed, but then… did he just?  Is that what I think he…

Oh yeah.  The main character just smoked crack out of a Diet Coke can.  I think that’s where I’ll end this.

Absolutely nothing is right about this movie and I just scratched the surface in the above paragraphs.  Boring, tired and relying on terribly executed stereotypes, The Hillz is everything implied by its title, and then some, complete with possibly the worst ending I’ve ever  been witness to.

Critique: 0 stars out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 1 star out of 5

Notes:

  • Silas Gaither, who plays JJ in the second half of the movie, appeared as a contestant of the third season of Survivor, aka Survivor: Africa.  He was the 5th person voted off.
  • Driector Saran Barnun’s only feature film to date.  I can’t help but wonder why.
  • Seriously, I have to watch another Paris Hilton vehicle in the near future.