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Posts Tagged ‘1-10’

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

Dir: Bob Clark
Stars: Jon Voight, Scott Baio, Vanessa Angel

I’ll give Superbabies this much: it wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. Of course, it was really, really bad, but not as bad as I had expected.

Currently sitting as the second worst rated movie on IMDb’s list (but when I started it was number 1), and being one of the only movies to ever receive a 0% on Rotten Tomatoes, I didn’t have any high expectations.

The plot, because I think there was a plot in there somewhere, is that back in the 60’s, a toddler/ten year-old who goes by ‘Kahuna’ drank some special serum that his scientist dad made that caused him to have super energy, but also to never age. He then makes it his life goal to help babies in need and angers the evil ‘Cane/Biscane’ in the meantime (played by Jon Voight, who employs a ridiculous German-ish accent throughout).

Dude has an Oscar by the way.

But in the present day a day-care center run by Scot Baio (Charles from Charles in Charge, for those of you who are 80’s TV buffs) and his wife hold this group of babies who have heard the legend of Kahuna and who eventually meet up with him after Biscane chases down Scott Baio’s niece, Kaylie, who takes four of the babies out in an absurd 4-seat stroller.

And that’s all the exposition I’m going into. Now to the fun part, which is, of course, me abusing this disaster of a movie.

Well, the babies are extremely intelligent, but can only speak to each other and not out loud which I find strange because they can read complex English words and properly operate a computer. These are just the regular babies too, not the crazy one from the 60s either. They also have an apparently vast knowledge of world history as well because they are all familiar with the Cold War as well as “you know, the Berlin Wall and all that stuff.”

That poor Kaylie girl is given the worst lines, has to cater to the babies the whole movie and THEN is given a subplot based strictly around her inability to get a date. That is, until Zack asks her to a picnic under the Hollywood sign and the babies just magically produce a dress for her to wear.

Oh yeah, the entrance to Kahuna’s lair is through an elevator in the ‘H’ in the Hollywood sign – you know, in case any of you are ever up there.

OH! And his lair! I’m sure no one said anything because who really cares about this movie, but whoever the set designer was on this movie apparently just mailed the whole thing in and completely stole the idea for Kahuna’s lair from the entrance to Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory.  Everything from the boat and stream, to things floating in the stream and even the rocky walls; tell me, he didn’t.

Kahunas lair.

Willy Wonka's Factory

As expected, the writing and dialogue delivery makes daytime soaps look like Gone With the Wind, but no one would think anything to the contrary so we’ll move over that and move to my favorite part of the movie. Which part is that you ask? Well obviously the part where Kahuna goes to his command station to talk to his best friends Whoopi and O-Town.  See, Kahuna just has all the big connections.

  
I don’t know, predictable ending, bad acting blah blah blah. But as a bad movie, it was one that had me laughing. Terrible jokes and puns throughout, bad acting, babies wire-fighting (which is, for those who don’t know, something employed by movies like Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon to achieve impossible acts during fight scenes) and Scott Baio.

You also may have noticed that I didn’t really talk about the babies all that much.  Well, that’s because they really are not an essential part of the movie.  Yes, they’re there, but sort of in the background.  It’s very weird that it’s how the movie played out, being about things other than the title, but whatever, that’s why it’s on this list I suppose.

So overall, meh, it made me laugh but I’m not advising any of you to run out and get it any time soon.  Pretty solid bad movie that is much more enjoyable to watch than some of the other junk I’ve sat through for this. Oh, and look at this commitment. I actually used a space on my queue for this movie, possibly the first time that has ever happened in the history of Netflix.

Critique: 1 star out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 3.5 stars out of 5

Notes:

  • Movies like this make it hard to remember, but Jon Voight has an Oscar for Coming Home and was in the amazing Midnight Cowboy.
  • This was director Bob Clark’s last movie before he died.  As this was one of his lesser films, he should instead be remembered for the teen-classic Porky’s, the cult-horror favorite Black Christmas as well as the TNT-favorite A Christmas Story.
  • Justin Chatwin, who plays Zack in this movie, looked really familiar when he first came on-screen.  So after a quick IMDb search I realized that he played ‘Eddie,’ a cop in one of Locke’s flashbacks in the third season of LOST.  I’m currently re-watching that entire series and finished the third season about a week before watching this movie.
  • When I started this project, this movie was #1 on IMDb’s list, but it has now been overtaken by some Hungarian movie called Dream Well.  This presents an interesting conundrum that I hadn’t thought about before, in that if the list isn’t a concrete list do I stick to my original numbers or update them very time the list changes?  Any advice?

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Pledge This! (2006)

Dir: William Heins, Strathford Hamilton
Stars: Paris Hilton, Paula Garces, Sarah Carter

Again, another Paris Hilton movie.  I’m actually learning that she has quite a few movies on this list and not just the two I originally thought.  Awesome, I know.

But this one centers around the Gamma Gamma sorority at South Beach University, and their quest to be named the “Hottest Sorority in the Country” by FHM Magazine.  You know, because that’s a thing.

Anyway, Hilton plays Victoria English, whom we are told is not only the “hottest” girl in this sorority, but at the school as well.  This creates a problem for us as viewers because it starts a 90-minute war of the senses.  Our ears constantly are being told how “hot” Victoria is, but our eyes keep reminding us otherwise – just keep some Advil by your side.  Or whiskey.  Maybe whiskey.

But there’s a side story that is kind of really what the movie is about, centering around a group of “misfit” girls, led by Paula Garcés (Maria from the Harold and Kumar movies), who are forced to find housing and decide the best way to do that is by joining a sorority.  The “misfit” group is rounded out by just about every stereotype you could imagine being in a crappy college movie, including but not limited to a foreign exchange student, a fat girl and the token black person in the entire movie.

Also in the aforementioned group is Kerri Kenney, who has gained fame by way of being Officer Trudy on Reno 911, but was also a part of the wonderful The State.  She is the first actor you’ll see and say, ‘I know that person from somewhere,’ but it won’t end there.  Also appearing is Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3/The other rapper on Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” song), Geoffrey Arend (The “the snozberries taste like snozberries” kid from Super Troopers/Christina Hendrick’s husband), Taylor Negron (who has 121 acting credits according to IMDb, but was more notably in No. __ Surf School) and even the actually talented Sofia Vergara.

Apparently, Ms. Vergara was as excited to be in that scene as I was to watch it.

But as expected, terribleness fills every moment of the movie, everywhere from an opening sequence that looks like something SNL would have done as a joke in 1993 to voiceovers that are actually baffling considering how bad they are.  It was actually so bad that I’m going as far as to call out the sound editor Nicholas Benninson.  They were read in terrible monotone Paris Hilton voices and were used as voiceovers, like, 90% of the time, but then randomly will be actual spoken dialogue.

The “comedy” is an abomination with lines like “A time honored college tradition is ignoring the three-way in the bathroom stall behind you.”  There’s also an extensive scene centered around poop jokes and then actual poop, a guy makes an actual molestation joke, Paris Hilton’s pet name for her boyfriend is “baby dick,” and I could keep going but I don’t want to.

Oh one more thing.  They said the word “coochie” twice – that has to be some kind of record.

Looks like no one taught them how to white balance...

Simply put, it looks like they tried really hard to make a cool college movie and failed in every way, but then again, Paris Hilton will do that for you.  It’s everything that’s bad about bad movies, but not in the good way.

Now I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a way to end this and I couldn’t think of anything.  So I’ll end the review the same way they ended the movie: with a pie fight.  I swear to God…


Critique:
0 stars out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 0 stars out of 5

Notes:

  • They actually refilmed a bunch of scenes to add more nudity, something that angered Hilton immensely, even though I’m 100% positive that more people have seen the video of her actually blowing a guy than have seen this movie.
  • A bunch of user reviews on Netflix indicated that this was actually close to softcore porn because of the amount of nudity.  By my count, there were 15 people who got naked at least once.
  • Seriously, Geoffrey Arend is married to Christina Hendricks.
  • Now that I have this and The Hillz out of the way, I only have Nine Lives, Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and the Nottie left and I’ll have all the Paris Hilton Bottom 100 movies watched.  Yayyy…

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