Dir: William Heins, Strathford Hamilton
Stars: Paris Hilton, Paula Garces, Sarah Carter
Again, another Paris Hilton movie. I’m actually learning that she has quite a few movies on this list and not just the two I originally thought. Awesome, I know.
But this one centers around the Gamma Gamma sorority at South Beach University, and their quest to be named the “Hottest Sorority in the Country” by FHM Magazine. You know, because that’s a thing.
Anyway, Hilton plays Victoria English, whom we are told is not only the “hottest” girl in this sorority, but at the school as well. This creates a problem for us as viewers because it starts a 90-minute war of the senses. Our ears constantly are being told how “hot” Victoria is, but our eyes keep reminding us otherwise – just keep some Advil by your side. Or whiskey. Maybe whiskey.
But there’s a side story that is kind of really what the movie is about, centering around a group of “misfit” girls, led by Paula Garcés (Maria from the Harold and Kumar movies), who are forced to find housing and decide the best way to do that is by joining a sorority. The “misfit” group is rounded out by just about every stereotype you could imagine being in a crappy college movie, including but not limited to a foreign exchange student, a fat girl and the token black person in the entire movie.
Also in the aforementioned group is Kerri Kenney, who has gained fame by way of being Officer Trudy on Reno 911, but was also a part of the wonderful The State. She is the first actor you’ll see and say, ‘I know that person from somewhere,’ but it won’t end there. Also appearing is Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3/The other rapper on Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” song), Geoffrey Arend (The “the snozberries taste like snozberries” kid from Super Troopers/Christina Hendrick’s husband), Taylor Negron (who has 121 acting credits according to IMDb, but was more notably in No. __ Surf School) and even the actually talented Sofia Vergara.
But as expected, terribleness fills every moment of the movie, everywhere from an opening sequence that looks like something SNL would have done as a joke in 1993 to voiceovers that are actually baffling considering how bad they are. It was actually so bad that I’m going as far as to call out the sound editor Nicholas Benninson. They were read in terrible monotone Paris Hilton voices and were used as voiceovers, like, 90% of the time, but then randomly will be actual spoken dialogue.
The “comedy” is an abomination with lines like “A time honored college tradition is ignoring the three-way in the bathroom stall behind you.” There’s also an extensive scene centered around poop jokes and then actual poop, a guy makes an actual molestation joke, Paris Hilton’s pet name for her boyfriend is “baby dick,” and I could keep going but I don’t want to.
Oh one more thing. They said the word “coochie” twice – that has to be some kind of record.
Simply put, it looks like they tried really hard to make a cool college movie and failed in every way, but then again, Paris Hilton will do that for you. It’s everything that’s bad about bad movies, but not in the good way.
Now I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a way to end this and I couldn’t think of anything. So I’ll end the review the same way they ended the movie: with a pie fight. I swear to God…
Critique: 0 stars out of 5
Bad Movie Rating: 0 stars out of 5
- They actually refilmed a bunch of scenes to add more nudity, something that angered Hilton immensely, even though I’m 100% positive that more people have seen the video of her actually blowing a guy than have seen this movie.
- A bunch of user reviews on Netflix indicated that this was actually close to softcore porn because of the amount of nudity. By my count, there were 15 people who got naked at least once.
- Seriously, Geoffrey Arend is married to Christina Hendricks.
- Now that I have this and The Hillz out of the way, I only have Nine Lives, Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and the Nottie left and I’ll have all the Paris Hilton Bottom 100 movies watched. Yayyy…