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Posts Tagged ‘Paris Hilton’

Pledge This! (2006)

Dir: William Heins, Strathford Hamilton
Stars: Paris Hilton, Paula Garces, Sarah Carter

Again, another Paris Hilton movie.  I’m actually learning that she has quite a few movies on this list and not just the two I originally thought.  Awesome, I know.

But this one centers around the Gamma Gamma sorority at South Beach University, and their quest to be named the “Hottest Sorority in the Country” by FHM Magazine.  You know, because that’s a thing.

Anyway, Hilton plays Victoria English, whom we are told is not only the “hottest” girl in this sorority, but at the school as well.  This creates a problem for us as viewers because it starts a 90-minute war of the senses.  Our ears constantly are being told how “hot” Victoria is, but our eyes keep reminding us otherwise – just keep some Advil by your side.  Or whiskey.  Maybe whiskey.

But there’s a side story that is kind of really what the movie is about, centering around a group of “misfit” girls, led by Paula Garcés (Maria from the Harold and Kumar movies), who are forced to find housing and decide the best way to do that is by joining a sorority.  The “misfit” group is rounded out by just about every stereotype you could imagine being in a crappy college movie, including but not limited to a foreign exchange student, a fat girl and the token black person in the entire movie.

Also in the aforementioned group is Kerri Kenney, who has gained fame by way of being Officer Trudy on Reno 911, but was also a part of the wonderful The State.  She is the first actor you’ll see and say, ‘I know that person from somewhere,’ but it won’t end there.  Also appearing is Simon Rex (Scary Movie 3/The other rapper on Mickey Avalon’s “My Dick” song), Geoffrey Arend (The “the snozberries taste like snozberries” kid from Super Troopers/Christina Hendrick’s husband), Taylor Negron (who has 121 acting credits according to IMDb, but was more notably in No. __ Surf School) and even the actually talented Sofia Vergara.

Apparently, Ms. Vergara was as excited to be in that scene as I was to watch it.

But as expected, terribleness fills every moment of the movie, everywhere from an opening sequence that looks like something SNL would have done as a joke in 1993 to voiceovers that are actually baffling considering how bad they are.  It was actually so bad that I’m going as far as to call out the sound editor Nicholas Benninson.  They were read in terrible monotone Paris Hilton voices and were used as voiceovers, like, 90% of the time, but then randomly will be actual spoken dialogue.

The “comedy” is an abomination with lines like “A time honored college tradition is ignoring the three-way in the bathroom stall behind you.”  There’s also an extensive scene centered around poop jokes and then actual poop, a guy makes an actual molestation joke, Paris Hilton’s pet name for her boyfriend is “baby dick,” and I could keep going but I don’t want to.

Oh one more thing.  They said the word “coochie” twice – that has to be some kind of record.

Looks like no one taught them how to white balance...

Simply put, it looks like they tried really hard to make a cool college movie and failed in every way, but then again, Paris Hilton will do that for you.  It’s everything that’s bad about bad movies, but not in the good way.

Now I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a way to end this and I couldn’t think of anything.  So I’ll end the review the same way they ended the movie: with a pie fight.  I swear to God…


Critique:
0 stars out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 0 stars out of 5

Notes:

  • They actually refilmed a bunch of scenes to add more nudity, something that angered Hilton immensely, even though I’m 100% positive that more people have seen the video of her actually blowing a guy than have seen this movie.
  • A bunch of user reviews on Netflix indicated that this was actually close to softcore porn because of the amount of nudity.  By my count, there were 15 people who got naked at least once.
  • Seriously, Geoffrey Arend is married to Christina Hendricks.
  • Now that I have this and The Hillz out of the way, I only have Nine Lives, Bottom’s Up and The Hottie and the Nottie left and I’ll have all the Paris Hilton Bottom 100 movies watched.  Yayyy…

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The Hillz (2004)

Dir: Sharan Barnun
Stars: Jesse Woodrow, Rene Heger, Paris Hilton


This movie is called The Hillz. As in they spelled the word ‘hills’ with a ‘z.’

This movie’s biggest – and only – bankable star is Paris Hilton.   Paris.  Hilton.

Gahhhhhhh let’s just get this over with.   The sooner I forget about this movie the better.

The movie centers around Steve 5 (Jesse Woodrow) who insists “That’s my name, don’t ask,” and believe me, we don’t.  Steve grows up in the LA hills with his friends T, Seb and Duff, while lusting after his dream girl Heather (Hilton).  He’s a promising athlete, but his male friends are bourgeoning drug addicts and wannaba gangsters, so he thinks he’s safe as soon as he gets to college.

But after Steve returns home after his first year and finds his friends in disarray with Seb gone “legitimate” working at a pizza place, and T basically working for Duff’s drug business.  See, after the group kills a police officer they decide they’re hard now and have gone into a high-priced drug ring.

And can I be done?  It really doesn’t matter at all what happens because of how awful this was.  Just no point, no aim and no ambition.  Battlefield Earth had at least some ambition. Just going through there are far too many stupid little things to point out so I’ll just choose my favorites and go from there.

First, let’s revisit Paris Hilton’s involvement.  We realize she’s not an actor, right?  I mean, I certainly do now, but even before seeing this, I knew she couldn’t act.  Were the producers so desperate to get financing that they needed her?  Her dead little beady eyes kinda-sorta staring at me whenever she was on screen, he terribly boring monotone delivery making me suffer through every line; never again will I do this to myself.

But what’s this?  She’s also the star of No. 10 on the list, Pledge This!? Fantastic.

Then let’s head to the part where these kids think they’re gangsters.  This was a big point of confusion for me because, well, I couldn’t tell if it was satire or not.  Some websites have the movie listed as a drama, yet Netflix labeled it as a comedy (it was neither) so I can’t really make anything of it.

The “gang” was ridiculed within the movie for being overly-hard, while not really being tough and living in the nice part of LA, while the whole time I was laughing because these guys were trying to be hard while living in the nice part of LA.  Their constant uses of bitch, motherfucker and more racial slurs than I care to mention, did nothing for the movie and just made everything worse.

The acting was beyond atrocious for everyone involved.  They couldn’t be bothered to use proper lighting so all shots from scenes in the night are unbelievably grainy, and, oh yea, they uses ridiculous wipe transitions.  For those of you who don’t know, “wiping” is instead of just editing the next scene together you use some sort of effect — think the transitioning of scenes in Star Wars.  Except here they use stars and hearts to wipe.  That’s a true story.

Then there were the drugs.  I think we can all agree that selling massive amounts of cocaine out of your house is a terrible idea, yet this is what catapults these characters to wealth.  Then Steve 5 comes home and we see inside their house where a rag-tag group of junkies and wanna-be dealers hang around and play video games while drinking and getting high in a smoke-filled room while calling each other ‘bitches’ and ‘f-ggots.’  All in all, it’s boring and terribly placed, but then… did he just?  Is that what I think he…

Oh yeah.  The main character just smoked crack out of a Diet Coke can.  I think that’s where I’ll end this.

Absolutely nothing is right about this movie and I just scratched the surface in the above paragraphs.  Boring, tired and relying on terribly executed stereotypes, The Hillz is everything implied by its title, and then some, complete with possibly the worst ending I’ve ever  been witness to.

Critique: 0 stars out of 5

Bad Movie Rating: 1 star out of 5

Notes:

  • Silas Gaither, who plays JJ in the second half of the movie, appeared as a contestant of the third season of Survivor, aka Survivor: Africa.  He was the 5th person voted off.
  • Driector Saran Barnun’s only feature film to date.  I can’t help but wonder why.
  • Seriously, I have to watch another Paris Hilton vehicle in the near future.

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