The Hillz (2004)
Dir: Sharan Barnun
Stars: Jesse Woodrow, Rene Heger, Paris Hilton
This movie is called The Hillz. As in they spelled the word ‘hills’ with a ‘z.’
This movie’s biggest – and only – bankable star is Paris Hilton. Paris. Hilton.
Gahhhhhhh let’s just get this over with. The sooner I forget about this movie the better.
The movie centers around Steve 5 (Jesse Woodrow) who insists “That’s my name, don’t ask,” and believe me, we don’t. Steve grows up in the LA hills with his friends T, Seb and Duff, while lusting after his dream girl Heather (Hilton). He’s a promising athlete, but his male friends are bourgeoning drug addicts and wannaba gangsters, so he thinks he’s safe as soon as he gets to college.
But after Steve returns home after his first year and finds his friends in disarray with Seb gone “legitimate” working at a pizza place, and T basically working for Duff’s drug business. See, after the group kills a police officer they decide they’re hard now and have gone into a high-priced drug ring.
And can I be done? It really doesn’t matter at all what happens because of how awful this was. Just no point, no aim and no ambition. Battlefield Earth had at least some ambition. Just going through there are far too many stupid little things to point out so I’ll just choose my favorites and go from there.
First, let’s revisit Paris Hilton’s involvement. We realize she’s not an actor, right? I mean, I certainly do now, but even before seeing this, I knew she couldn’t act. Were the producers so desperate to get financing that they needed her? Her dead little beady eyes kinda-sorta staring at me whenever she was on screen, he terribly boring monotone delivery making me suffer through every line; never again will I do this to myself.
But what’s this? She’s also the star of No. 10 on the list, Pledge This!? Fantastic.
Then let’s head to the part where these kids think they’re gangsters. This was a big point of confusion for me because, well, I couldn’t tell if it was satire or not. Some websites have the movie listed as a drama, yet Netflix labeled it as a comedy (it was neither) so I can’t really make anything of it.
The “gang” was ridiculed within the movie for being overly-hard, while not really being tough and living in the nice part of LA, while the whole time I was laughing because these guys were trying to be hard while living in the nice part of LA. Their constant uses of bitch, motherfucker and more racial slurs than I care to mention, did nothing for the movie and just made everything worse.
The acting was beyond atrocious for everyone involved. They couldn’t be bothered to use proper lighting so all shots from scenes in the night are unbelievably grainy, and, oh yea, they uses ridiculous wipe transitions. For those of you who don’t know, “wiping” is instead of just editing the next scene together you use some sort of effect — think the transitioning of scenes in Star Wars. Except here they use stars and hearts to wipe. That’s a true story.
Then there were the drugs. I think we can all agree that selling massive amounts of cocaine out of your house is a terrible idea, yet this is what catapults these characters to wealth. Then Steve 5 comes home and we see inside their house where a rag-tag group of junkies and wanna-be dealers hang around and play video games while drinking and getting high in a smoke-filled room while calling each other ‘bitches’ and ‘f-ggots.’ All in all, it’s boring and terribly placed, but then… did he just? Is that what I think he…
Oh yeah. The main character just smoked crack out of a Diet Coke can. I think that’s where I’ll end this.
Absolutely nothing is right about this movie and I just scratched the surface in the above paragraphs. Boring, tired and relying on terribly executed stereotypes, The Hillz is everything implied by its title, and then some, complete with possibly the worst ending I’ve ever been witness to.
Critique: 0 stars out of 5
Bad Movie Rating: 1 star out of 5
- Silas Gaither, who plays JJ in the second half of the movie, appeared as a contestant of the third season of Survivor, aka Survivor: Africa. He was the 5th person voted off.
- Driector Saran Barnun’s only feature film to date. I can’t help but wonder why.
- Seriously, I have to watch another Paris Hilton vehicle in the near future.